Reason: Reader Feedback
Comments welcome below…
Topic(s):
- Time compression. Action scene choppy.
- Tighten descriptive text
Revised text (as of post date):
Another lightning bolt splits the sky and illuminates the aftermath. Henri sees Jocelyn struggling to keep Espwa’s head above water in the churning sea. He tries to swim toward her, but the waves are too high. Other passengers sink into the water around them, their hands reaching toward the sky as they sink. The wind shifts, pushing Henri toward Jocelyn and Espwa, as another wave washes all of them together onto the debris. The rain is falling sideways now, its hail-like drops and gusting wind flaying them mercilessly. Henri turns his face back and forth in agony as the hard rain lashes his exposed skin. Another wave washes over him, but he stays afloat. When his vision clears, Henri sees Jocelyn still floating next to him on the debris pile, baby Espwa clutched to her chest.
Previous text:
Another lightning bolt splits the sky and illuminates the aftermath. Henri sees Jocelyn struggling to keep Espwa’s head above water in the churning sea. He tries to swim toward her, but the waves are too high. Other passengers sink into the water around them, their hands reaching toward the sky as they sink. The rain is falling sideways now, its hail-like drops and gusting wind flaying them mercilessly. Henri turns his face back and forth in agony as the hard rain lashes his exposed skin. Another wave washes over him, but he stays afloat. When his vision clears, Henri sees Jocelyn floating next to him on a pile of floating debris, baby Espwa clutched to her chest.