Reason: Reader Feedback
Comments welcome below…
Topic(s):
- Male gaze
- American POV (Distraction with breast feeding. Not a distraction to Henri or occupants of the boat. No Americans in scene.)
- Haitian POV > Creole (in-text translation avoided for reader flow. Only Creole speakers in the boat.)
Revised text (as of post date):
Henri looks at the baby, the infant’s light brown skin already burning in the sun. He considers offering Jocelyn some of his water but instead asks her baby’s name. Jocelyn beams and replies that the baby’s name is Espwa. She is one month old today! The child cries softly, pushes her face deep into Jocelyn’s open shirt. The baby is exhausted and pulls forlornly at her mother’s sun-burnt and chapped nipple. Jocelyn winces in pain but doesn’t pull away from the infant’s pursed lips. Henri asks if Espwa resembles her father.
The young mother looks stricken and looks far over the horizon. As the sun’s last gasp of crimson sinks into the sea, Jocelyn seems even younger than before she stepped onto the boat. The spell is broken when Jocelyn’s facial expression sets into one of determination. She straightens her lips and her back, adjusts her breast against the baby’s suckling mouth, and replies that the child’s father is dead. Then she hunches her body over Espwa’s tiny form and sobs quietly.
Previous text (prior versions combined):
Henri looks at the baby, the infant’s light brown skin already burning in the sun. He considers offering her some of his water but instead asks her baby’s name. Jocelyn beams and replies that the baby’s name is Espwa (Hope). She is one month old today! The child cries softly, pushes her face deep into her mother’s small young breast. The baby is exhausted and pulls forlornly at her mother’s sunburnt and chapped nipple. The mother winces in pain but tries not to pull away from the baby’s pursed lips. To distract the mother and force himself to look up at her face, Henri asks if Espwa resembles her father.
The young woman looks stricken and looks far over the horizon. She seems even younger than before she stepped onto the boat, the late afternoon sun painting her flawless right cheek until it glows so beautifully that it seems possible that this fragile young girl is the Madonna herself. The spell is broken however, when Jocelyn’s mouth quivers before she straightens her lips and her back, adjusts her breast against the baby’s suckling mouth, and replies that the child’s father is dead. Then she hunches her body over Espwa’s tiny form and sobs quietly.